Today we finished filming the Kickstarter video. Starting this writing process has filled me with a lot of self-doubt. Am I just tricking people into giving me money to chase after an illusion? Will this dream of writing escape me?
Last night I had a dream that we were visiting old friends, and our son and their two boys were kidnapped by this crazy man who had a house full of children. I convinced him to let me inside under the ruse of tutoring the kids in English; my credentials as a former English teacher were enough to get me in. I managed to rescue our three boys, but couldn’t figure out how to rescue the rest still left inside. I would have to come back for them. The escape was tricky – it involved swimming through a dark, icy sea, and running around a Beverly-Hills-like island, searching for a hiding place. I knew we could never go back home.
I think that’s what I’m feeling about this writing project right now. Am I tricking people into thinking I can do this because I once taught twelve-year-olds how to write? Am I deceiving myself? These ideas, so rich and full in my head, seem to run through my fingers like water and come out diluted. How do I tell the truth of this story and not just the watered-down version?
There is a lot of fear in going after what we want. It’s hard for me to even say aloud that there are simple things that I want – like a latte, or ice cream. It’s much harder to go after something that takes so much of myself.
But I can be brave. Those who I love will make me brave.
Why do I want to do this? Because it landed, like a gift, in my lap. I have to keep trusting that.