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“Suck, baby, suck!” Everett yells, perched on my knees, claiming his territory on my lap. Asher alternately complies and screams in frustration, not quite sure yet exactly how to access the milk he so desperately wants.

Later, we are at Peet’s, Everett and I sharing our ginger cookies while Asher peers around him, wide-eyed.

These are the days of small things. Asher is one week into life; we are one week into being a family of four. Everything has changed, as we knew it would. We are still in the drowning phase, doing all we can to get everyone enough sleep to keep going.   How, in the midst of this, do I find myself sustained, even transformed?

I am not responsible for my own transformation, but I am responsible for making space for God to transform me, and that requires action. To try to do anything right now seems impossible, and yet my soul requires it. Today I ask myself three questions:

What shall I do that is worth the cost?

Right now, I will write in my journal every day, even if it is just a sentence or two. I am not usually a daily journaller, but I feel within me the need to pause each day and pull myself out of the fog. I need the reminder that there is more than just monotony to these days; each day has its moments of beauty, and life is growing and changing as the days fly by. It is not easy to find five or ten minutes each day – sometimes it’s two minutes while Everett helps Dave change Asher’s diaper. I close my Facebook and Instagram, I sacrifice a few precious minutes of sleep, and I write. It’s worth the cost.

Of what do I have an abundance?

We all have an abundance of something. Right now, I have an abundance of wakeful hours in the night to pray for those I love. I also have an abundance of snuggle time with two beautiful boys made in the image of God. I will pray; I will marvel.

What am I already doing that I can do with intention?

The Spirit of God dwells within me; everything I do is a spiritual act. How can I remember that on days filled with diapers and spit up and spills? My mantras for these days will be:

Jesus, please walk with me.

and

Let me see you in the faces of my children.

May the God of peace who dwells within us teach you gently how to open yourself to Love.

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